Supernatural & the Vampire Diaries
Knock, knock
Fredrick opens the door “Can I help you?”
“Hi, our car just broke down not far from here and this is the first house we could find.” Sam and Dean were shivering cold and wet from the heavy rain; they stood looking at the uninterested vampire.
“Aren't you lucky?” Fredrick sarcastically smiled
“Yeah, lucky… so do you mind if I could just borrow your phone and if my brother here could use the little girl’s bathroom. It’s no trouble is it?” Sam’s expression dropped from acting cold to annoyed in an instant Dean made that up.
“Not the sightless… Billy show these visitors to the phone in the kitchen and the bathroom after” Fredrick moved aside to let them in.
“Yeah sure thing” Billy leaning on the entrance to the main room
“Thanks it’s pretty rough out there” Sam walked in first with Dean following.
Sam and Dean got lead into the kitchen passing the main room with at least six more vampires listening to music and playing pool. Keeping an eye on the vampire who was leading them into the kitchen Sam looked over at an old lady cutting vegetables near the table. Vampire bites covered her arms and neck.
“Hey Misses Gibons these guys want to use your phone” Billy pointing to Sam and Dean.
“Yeah sure honey, it’s right there” pointing the knife in the direction to where the phone was.
“Thanks” Dean smiling while dropping out his knife under his sleeve when suddenly the vampire rushed at them from behind to attack. Dean cut the vampires head off quickly. Sam rushed over to the blender and sink and turned them on so the other vampires couldn’t hear them. Dean wiped his knife on his black jacket and put it in his back pocket. Sam grabbed the old lady to the side door.
“What's happening?” Misses Gibsons dazed
“I’m sorry but you need to invite a friend of mine inside” Dean opening the door revealing Damon standing on the other side.
“Oh I’m sorry his not allowed in the house” Miss Gibsons politely
“Yeah I know but you have to make an exception” Sam forcefully
“Get her out of the house now” Damon grabbing the old lady to him.
Dean and Sam walked over to the entrances that lead to the kitchen keeping a look out. Damon put his hands on the old lady’s shoulders
“Miss Gibons, now tell me the truth. Are you married?”
“No”
“Parents, children, anyone else who lives on this property?”
“No it’s just me”
“No? Good” Damon smiles and snaps her neck, as Miss Gibons drops on the ground Damon enters the house. Dean grabs Damon on his jacket as he comes in.
“Your suppose to compel her”
“It doesn't work that way” Damon whispers
“She’s human” Sam cutting Damon off
“and I’m not so I don’t care” Damon finishing off Sam’s sentence “Dean get rid of the body” Damon shoving Dean outside leaving Sam.
Fredrick was sitting in the main room drinking his blood “Billy what's the hold up?” he points to the nearest vampire indicating to check on Billy who didn't come back. The vampire walked into the kitchen and turned off the blender and the sink. He walked over to the next door. Sam bursts out and stakes the vampire, smiles and walks back through the door he came through.
Dean runs to where they parked his precious impala opens the door expecting to see Elena inside, it was empty. Dean looks around. “Dammit Elena” Dean grabs his bag full of weapons and runs quickly back to the house.
Elena climbs over to the porch breathing heavily and hides against a small plant against the brick wall. She looks over near the windows of the door and hears the other vampires inside the house and quickly hides back in her place. She looks over to the entrance to the underground basement takes two deep breathes and makes a run for it while ducking. As she goes down the stairs to the basement she gently opens the gate trying to make no sound that leads her to another door with fogged up windows...
Okay, this might need a bit of work with punctuation and missing words that should be there, but aren't. Also, some colloquial terms might need to be checked again to make sure they fit the context.
ReplyDeleteWell, I hope I've given you a bit to look at and think about.
Hint: I've made it vague so that you can actively search for a few of the problems, if possible.
Good story! Couple of pointers -
ReplyDeleteYou are missing a few commas after speech for example, “Yeah sure thing” Billy leaning on the entrance to the main room" - There should be a comma before Billy.
Also Misses Gibons should be spelt Mrs. Gibons.
I like it!I have no ctitique at this point. The fellows pointed out minor details that I saw aswell. You must be a natural! Look forward to critiquing the finished product :).
ReplyDeleteI like the idea and where you're trying to go with it.
ReplyDeleteMy only issues is that when it got in to the action it kinda came outta no where that I wasn't even aware of it. I didn't quite understand what was going down and why.
I felt like I was reading the play-by-play for a fight scene rather than a descriptive narrative/dialogue.
Sorry if this is a bit harsh, I don't mean to be rude.
Thanks for the pointers guys !!
ReplyDeleteI'll work on it :)